Wants and Needs
Sometimes people ask for things, things like advice, hugs, money, time, etc. And sometimes these are things that are easily available to you and things that are easy for you to share. You know just the right thing to say, you are right there ready to wrap your arms around your friend, you just got a bonus and have “extra” money to share, you had a last minute cancellation, etc.
Other times, however, it’s not so easy. And while you may want to give the advice, wrap your arms around someone for the hug, loan out the money, or spend time together, it may be a struggle. The reasons why are endless…maybe you just don’t know what to say. Maybe you are far, far away from the person that needs the hug. Maybe your dog got sick and all of your “extra” money went to the vet. Maybe you have a last minute obligation that ended up taking up more time than you thought it was going to.
When we are there to help the people we care about, we feel good. We feel really good. We feel valuable and helpful and all sorts of other feel-good words. But what happens when we can’t give someone what they want? What happens when we don’t have the words, the hugs, the money or the time? Are we able to see that although we cannot help our friend in the moment that they will still love us? Are we able to see what when our friend cannot help us in the moment that they still love us?
Often more than not it seems that the answer is no. And that is sad for everyone. Because our wants and needs and someone’s ability to organically meet them has nothing to do with whether or not they love us.
The same holds true when we cannot meet the wants and needs of others. Never in a million years would you say that just because you can’t spend time with someone that it is an indication that you no longer love or care for them. Right? I mean, when it’s out there like that, it just sounds silly.
Yet when others fail to meet our needs, we feel awful. These needs have nothing to do with logical, linear wants and desires. I mean, if someone’s broke, how can you get mad that they won’t loan you money? But yet, there very well may be a small part of you that DOES get angry. And that part is the emotional brain.
Our emotional brain and our logical brain typically do not see eye to eye. We can explain and rationalize all day long why someone does not do what we want or ask and it can make tons of sense. Yet, the emotional brain is still mad, still bitter, still throwing a bit of a tantrum.
And the same holds true when we are the ones to NOT meet someone else’s needs. Our logical brain can explain and rationalize it all day long yet our emotional brain still tells us that we aren’t a good friend, we are failing, etc.
So what do we do? How do we fix it?
The answer is simple. Practice re-wiring your brain so that how you feel about yourself is contingent on nothing other than who you believe you are, who you know you are at your core. We will never, ever, ever please all of the people all of the time. It’s silly to even try. Conversely, others will never, ever, ever be able to please us all of the time. It’s silly to think that it may be otherwise.
So practice loving who you are…just you…just as you are. Because you are amazing. And you, yes YOU deserve to be loved by YOU!