As humans, we are hard wired to be connected to our care givers, whether they are parents, grandparents, or other. We literally need their support to survive, and I’m not just talking about food, shelter, and water. We need attention. We want affection. We need to be held. Humans are WIRED for this type of support and belonging. And when that doesn’t happen, failure to thrive is what it’s called. And that sounds pretty awful.
So what happens if parents, even though they are doing their best, end up missing the mark in some way. What happens if a parent’s love language is not our own and we don’t get the attention we need. We don’t get the affection we want. We aren’t hugged and held in a way that works for us? And while you might not like the answer, it’s really pretty simple. We end up replaying out that scenario throughout our lives.
While this is a relatively complex discussion, I’ll break it down in the simplest way I can. Let’s say that you don’t feel like you got the unconditional love and attention from your father. It is quite possible that you will go to great lengths to find attention and acceptance from another male figure in your life. And what’s messed up is that the person/people we often pick to try to right the wrong so to speak, isn’t capable of giving it to us in a way that we truly understand. We tend to pick what’s familiar to us, and, in this scenario, what’s familiar is not feeling loved. How messed up is that?!?
I’m sure you’re wondering if this is something that is fixable. Because the way I paint the picture above might make it sound like we are all doomed to repeat the same maladaptive relationship behaviors for all eternity. And while the answer to whether or not it’s fixable may not sound awesome, I believe it actually IS awesome. And the answer is…
Learn to love yourself. Learn to give yourself the positive love and validation that you are craving for! Learn to see your own beauty! Learn to mine your own light!
And now I’m sure you’re wondering how the hell to do THAT. Because THAT sounds hard. And challenging. And maybe even a bit lonely.
It all starts and ends with self-talk. And again, while simple on paper, it’s complicated in practice. If this sounds like something you might need to work on, please check out my self-talk quiz at www.heretotherewellness.com/quizzes.
Because you, yes YOU deserve to love yourself! You, yes YOU deserve to mine your light!